Burned

 

To celebrate the first day my whole family (all 4 of us) would be together in a few weeks, we got out the kiddie pool and turned on the sprinklers at 9am.

We basked in the sun and threw water at each other for 4 hours. 4 beautifully glorious care-free hours.

Before bed last night my sunburn had set in.

Deep dark red boiling from my skin.

"But I sunscreened!!!" I wailed as Husband gently applied the cold aloe making every goosebump ache.

"Nobody else got burned even a little!" I whined in between gasps of pain.

"Why?!?!?!"

Here's the thing, it's not fair. It's not fair that 1 layer of sunscreen doesn't do it for me and it did for the rest of my family.

Some of us need more protection than others. And whining and crying and gasping when someone looks like they might give me a hug doesn't change it. Ideally I should learn from this mistake (and the same ones last summer, and the summer before that) that I need plenty of sunscreen. Often. Or I will be burned.

The same way I should learn that although some women seem to be able to hang their happiness on their husband, if my mood is dependent on Husband's progress, goodness or happines, I will be burned. Again and again.

Here's to sunscreen.

Go Bag

Addo Recovery had an assignment about self-soothing. We talked about the senses and the assignment was to create a box of items that are soothing to you that you can use at crunch time.

I struggled with assignment because most of the things that I could think of to be soothing were not bag appropriate.

Like going for a walk, a run or a hike in the mountains.
Doing yoga in my backyard.
Reading stories with my kids in a blanket fort.
Baking.
Reading.
Giggling

You get the idea. Lots of things, not so bagable.

But today I found myself with a little extra time, and once I got started it took no more than 10 minutes to put together what I have named my "Go Bag". I wanted this to be portable.

Like when Husband does something that makes me so crazy the only thing I can think of doing is grabbing my keys and leaving. I typically end up sitting in a restaurant ordering food I don't want just so I can sit in (relative) peace and have someone else take care of me. "Can I get you some more water hun?" Yes. Yes you can. I wanted a bag of stuff I can just throw in the car, so I can find a quiet spot to park, a quick drive up the canyon, or to a park, or even an empty parking lot.

I picked my favorite bag, and made sure I had something for each of my senses. Here it is.

1. A writing pad & pen. Because it's just paper I am letting go of it having a specific purpose. It can be for notes, venting, making plans, writing letters, journaling, or making paper airplanes. Whatever I need it to be. (Internal)
2. Daughters In My Kingdom - This happens to be a book I love. It is filled with stories of strong women who do courageous things. If you don't have a copy and want to read it you can read (or listen to) the whole thing online for free here. Or you can find your local LDS Relief Society leaders and I promise they'll be over the moon if you ask for a copy. (Internal)
3. Photo flip book - For $1 at Walmart I got this little 4x6 book to fill with pictures that make me smile. Vacations, beaches, mountains, babies, friends, laughing, memories. Happy ones. Only happy ones. Genuinely happy ones. (sight)
4. My patriarchal blessing - It gives me hope and guidance and direction and comfort. (For what a patriarchal blessing is go here) (internal)
5. iPod shuffle - It's filled with good music of all kinds. Some power songs. Some damn it all to hell songs. Some happy sunshine songs. Some running hard songs. Some yoga songs. Some spiritual songs. All kinds of songs. In groups with others like them so I can find them. It is now my Go Bag iPod. (hear)
6. Mints - because when I'm weeping and wailing and gnashing my teeth I gotta have a mint to clear my sinuses. Also because I needed something to taste. (taste)
7. Punch ball balloons - First blowing them up requires a lot of deep breaths. Which is always cleansing. Then I get to beat them to death. Or calmly walk around letting it bounce of my knuckles and floating back again. Or anything in between. (kinesthetic)
8. Bubbles - see the note above about breathing. Plus bubbles are pretty. And they make my boys happy, so I don't see why they can't make me happy too. (kinesthetic & touch)
9. Burt Bees Coconut Foot Cream - I really love a good foot cream. And I rarely get to spend as much time as I'd like pampering my feet. Rubbing in the cream until my dry cracked heels have really soaked it all up. This cream is especially.....deep. Penetrating. Whatever. I love it. (touch, smell, kinesthetic) 

So there you have it. 10 minutes, 9 items and I'm Go Bag ready. I just noticed that I didn't put a pocket sized tissue thing in there - but I'll fix that right away. Because no matter what else happens, I'm quite likely to cry.

Confidence in my Core

Self esteem or confidence or worth or value or whatever you want to call it, is something I've never been good at.

Which is strange because I think I'm a reasonably decent person. I have some excellent skills, I am intelligent, I can do things, and I am (often) capable of dealing with stuff that I would never dream I could deal with. I get promotions at work. I feel good about my ability to connect with people.

Sure I have insecurities. My body doesn't look or do what I want it to. I say awkward things. I'm not as gentle or reverent as I'd like to be.... But none of those are debilitating for me. I don't hate me, and I feel when I look at my life that I'm a relatively well balanced person.

But I still have this nagging feeling that I am not enough.

The strange part is that I don't feel like I have to work harder, do more, or be better. I'm fine with the things I'm doing and the skills I have. Even confident in those areas.

But today I was able to identify that feeling.

It is that I am not enough.

Take away all my skills, abilities, knowledge, experience, whatever. All of the things I'm confident about and I'm left with being just me. And that is not enough. The very core of me has no value.

Say I get hit by a bus, or have some horrible debilitating disease and spend all day every day on the couch drooling for the rest of my life while other people take care of me - I really don't know that I would be loveable. And I am confident that I would not be enough. Simply being isn't good enough.

A dear friend said the common words people like me hear all the time "you don't know who you are." but she said them with fire in her eyes and love in her soul. You should see this woman's eyes.

I'd like to blame my overachieving family (when in doubt, blame the root family - that's my motto) who taught me to focus on things we can do. Or show. Or recognize. I learned quickly how to work hard and do good things and even to feel good about my accomplishments.

But I still haven't learned who I am. When all of the rest is taken away. What is left at the very core of me?

Is it the part you throw away?

Source

Or is it that part that grows into something beautiful?

Source

Distraction

"Acknowledge the feeling, then distract with self-soothing."

Dr. Skinner's words replay over and over in my mind as I feel the rage coming on. Before I can even finish the thought it washes over me in waves.

I throw down my gardening gloves and newly-purchased pointy shovel. I stomp in my mud-caked garden shoes as I chase my children down the middle of the street.

My boys (3 & 1) and a neighbor boy about that age are following Husband down the middle of the road as he rides the wiggle car down the hill.

They'd follow him off a cliff - and that's exactly what I'm afraid of and why I'm so triggered by his irresponsible behavior.

We don't live on a high traffic street - but there are certainly plenty of cars coming and going through the neighborhood. There's a bend in the road just above them and an intersection (to a busy road) just below them. Since Husband is nearly a football field ahead of them, if a car came there's nothing he could do. Just pray that the driver sees these tiny kids on tricycles as the sun goes down.

I am pissed. So mad. So so SO mad. What kind of idiot does something so reckless? How am I supposed to trust this man with my children?!?!?!

Distraction. Distraction. Take care of my kids. Get them back on the sidewalk and attempt to explain that Daddy is a jackass and they should never follow him. Anywhere. Ever!!!

Terrified. I am terrified.

Distraction: "Let's go up the hill Bud, I'll show you how to pedal. See how the sidewalk is white and the road is black? When you're little you need to stay on the WHITE sidewalk because big cars can't see you. Do we ride in the road?" It's probably better that he's riding in the road, maybe he'll get hit by a car and ....

I'm mad. And disappointed. How could he? Doesn't he love our children?

Distraction: Weeds. There are so so many weeds.

I start pulling weeds, yanking their ugly roots out and glaring at them as I throw them in the discard pile. I ignore the thorns sticking through my pink trimmed leather gloves and pull and pull and pull.

Husband eventually takes the kids inside to bed leaving me to weed.

I shovel and dig and pull and tear out grass and weeds and trim back the ridiculously overgrown lavender bushes. I prepare the ground to grow something beautiful and wish I had a friend to chat with while we weeded together. A nice pleasant adult conversation that isn't so emotionally intense sounds like just the right distraction right now.

But I am alone. And I can focus on the weeds.What a beautiful distraction.

Stressors

In a long talk with my sister a few nights ago I identified and shared some of the things I'm learning about myself through assessments and writing a bit more. (Stress much anyone?)

We talked about stress levels and she helped me see a lot more of the external factors in that. It's nothing extraordinary, most of what we've been through is stuff most adults have gone through. But it is a significantly stressful time of life for me.

• Husband has been in school full time for the past 7 years doing various degrees and earning certifications. 
• He has been trying to choose a career path. Deciding what to be when we grow up is a big decision. 
• I've been having babies and trying to care for them. Newborns are demanding. Toddlers are too. And I've been told that as they age their problems just get bigger. No end in sight.
• We've both been working. A lot. He has changed jobs twice now since graduating. (always with an overlapping period where he's working 2 full time jobs) and I've trained someone and handed on my business and found a new job.
• Last year we moved. To Utah County. Despite my best efforts to defend this place it triggers me like crazy.
• This year the home that we're renting is being foreclosed because our landlord hasn't paid the mortgage for a couple of years.
• Oh yeah, and there's this little thing about how he is a sex addict. And while I wish that recovering from that took 3-4 nights/week instead I'm spending 7 days/week worrying about it and wondering if I'm doing enough and knowing that he isn't doing enough.This of course brings with it concerns about divorce or separation and 

The Holmes & Rahe Stress Scale gives me enough points have a "very high risk" of becoming ill in the near future. Twice over. (I'm curious - what's your score?)

Bottom line, life is stressful right now. Partly because of our phase of life.  School, change, young kids. And partly because of addiction. But either way, I am legitimately (and understandably) stressed.out.

What I like about Addo

This is a program that is really resonating with me. I'm never sure about these things if it's the timing, my state of readiness or the actual program. So I'm not confident in saying this is the end-all be-all.

But there is a different (and totally new to me) approach which I really love.

The trauma model acknowledges and validates that my symptoms (depression, anxiety, stress) have been exacerbated by a traumatic event in my life. (My Husband consistently acting out in his sexual addiction.) It doesn't not say "fix you because you're broken." It says "this horribly painful thing happened in your life and you could probably use some help dealing with the effects and fallout."

I know, semantics. But it feels different (better) to me and I like it. So I don't really care why.

I have the enormous blessing of living in Utah County where they run this program, so I get to attend the weekly lectures in real life. I get to see my dear friends in real life. I get to stay after and talk until the sun goes down. (Which gets later every week!)

After group a few of us stayed after to chat with a couple of people who do so much behind the scenes work. People who are not Dr. Skinner. Non-Skinners. The thing about Non-Skinners is that they are unbelievably devoted to seeing this work. I watched them listen to us talk. Taking in what we said, and responding. They want to know what works, what does and why. They are passionate about this. And I love them for it.

So if you haven't already contacted Addo and you'd like to learn more about what they're doing and how you can be involved, contact them.

pondering raisins and tasting carrots

Mindfulness has been a common thing in my therapy efforts lately. It keeps popping up.

During the Addo Recovery lecture this week Kevin swore he looks at raisins and stands barefoot on the grass and studies trees. While I fully believed him, I equally believed that it simply isn’t possible in my life.  If I zoned out to fully examine and be present with a raisin…..

That’s where my belief that it wasn’t possible ended.

Because the truth is that if I zone out to stare at a raisin for 3 straight minutes nothing would happen. My kids would likely make a mess. They might make noise. It’s possible they’ll break something. But in real life, if the key to not feeling this way is staring at a raisin for 3 minutes, bring it on. Because anything they can do in 3 minutes, I can undo in 5. Which means I’m out exactly 8 minutes of my day.

And if I replaced just one 25 minute show with raisin-staring or tree-watching or grass-feeling (and repairing the damage my zoning might have allowed) I’m in.

So today I didn’t really have time to sit and eat lunch before running out the door to work. So I threw some carrots and an apple in a bowl and planned to eat on my way.

My commute is roughly 10 minutes long. And 10 minutes is significantly more time than it would ordinarily take me to eat carrots and an apple. So I decided to be present with my meal. I chewed the baby carrots like 9,000 times before swallowing. I tasted the difference between the peel and the meat of the apple. I breathed between bites. And it was delicious.

And while I was being all aware (instead of enthralled with the news story on the radio or the people in cars around me) I watched the trees lining the streets. They are beautifully varying shades of green. Some have blossoms. Some have leaves. Some are still waiting for both. I noticed the clouds in the sky….yadda yadda yadda.

The point is this. I was amazed by how easily I could fit this “mindfulness” into my life. I didn’t have to buy a special chair or find my own room. I didn’t have to wake up an hour earlier or find a babysitter. My children weren’t neglected, I arrived at work safely (and on time). I didn’t do anything I wouldn’t normally do anyway. I simply chose to be mentally aware of what I was doing instead of thinking about all of my problems.

And whattya know – it was a nice break from focusing on my problems.