Roommates

Husband decided that he refused to live in a sex-free marriage. That if I was going to hold out on him he was going to leave. He was done. He couldn't handle it anymore. A fight he wouldn't fight anymore.

By the time he told me this, he actually presented it in a fairly rational (minus the demand) focused and respectful way. But I was horrified that he was there.

He felt like we have drifted so far apart that there's not much to save at this point.

And he's right, we've drifted. I've been trying to let go, and frankly I got tired of trying. So I stopped trying. And what do you know? We drifted. Separate lives, one house. And it didn't take long.

I didn't notice it so much until a pest control sales guy came to our house and I told him I'd talk to Husband about it and he could stop by later.

He stopped by the next day and we hadn't spoken a word to each other.

He stopped by the next day and Husband and I still can't talked about it or anything else.

He called and I told him no because I was embarrassed to say I still hadn't had a conversation with the man I live with.

Anyhow, after the night Husband made his demand (sex or divorce) we both spent some time with our therapists and together and I was able to articulate some points of serious damage in our relationship. He was able to understand where I was coming from, and for now we're living happily ever after. We've made some adjustments to some boundaries, we've expressed our feelings, and we even had 3 conversations in just 2 days.

It's a nice moment right now, the feeling of calm and one-ness. Today we are on the same page, and we feel like more than people who share the rent.

A Tree Divided

I drive by this tree every day on my way to work. 

I always wonder if the porn has driven a wedge between us and we'll never grow together again. Are we headed down different paths? Trying to keep our roots together while growing as far from each other as possible? 

I hope not...but even if we are, both halves of this tree are doing great.

Husband's tiny (HUGE!!!) victory.

After a few days of hell. I mean it. HELL. Husband had an amazing victory on Tuesday night. Saturday he got all crazy turned on and I felt like I’d be feeding the addiction if I “hooked a brother up” (i.e. had sex with him) So I didn’t. And for him it got harder. And harder. And harder.

This is the cycle. He's horny. I decline a sexual invitation (for any number of reasons, sunburn, period, it's 11:30 and our kids are reading stories with us....whatever). Then he acts out, confesses, feels bad, apologizes, swears it will never happen again, rededicates himself and tries harder for a while. Until he gets turned on again.

But on Tuesday night when I got home after him being home alone with the boys for 8 hours he looked like hell. He hadn’t shaved or showered since Sunday. He had been getting up at the crack of dawn and spending the days out in the yard. He was filthy and tired and looked......horrible. As I walked in the door he all but collapsed on the kitchen floor and told me he thought it was over. The horniness had finally eased up and he felt like he was going to live.

This was the first time in his life that a sexual craving – that feeling of “do or die” had left his body without him acting on it. He honestly didn’t believe that could happen. To be honest I have no idea why he let it ride this time. No clue why he worked so hard. But he did and I swear to you I’ve never been so proud of him. Ever. Suddenly we both know it is possible. And that. Is. Huge.

It has now been 48 hours since the big success and he’s back in the throes of it. 

He’s mad because I pushed his hand away when he groped me this morning. 

He’s hurt that I let him go through all of that earlier this week. 

He’s discouraged because the high didn’t last long enough. 

And he’s struggling.  

As I started getting ready for work he told me he really wished I could stay home and be with the family so we could go do something fun (and distracting). He didn’t ask me to call in sick and certainly didn’t expect it, but I know he would have been over the moon if I had. 

A few years ago I made a conscious decision to take the stance that his addiction would never ever impact my schedule; but after spending a night a week at recovery meetings, a fortune on therapy and far too many moments worrying, thinking, and planning I can't really pretend it doesn’t affect my schedule anymore.

Which has me wondering (again) where is that line? I’m not his babysitter, I don’t call in sick to my job because he can’t keep it in his pants and I don’t think I need to fix it for him. But I truly do want to SUPPORT any recovery behavior.

How do I clarify (for me and for him) what is an appropriate request and what is not?

Burned

 

To celebrate the first day my whole family (all 4 of us) would be together in a few weeks, we got out the kiddie pool and turned on the sprinklers at 9am.

We basked in the sun and threw water at each other for 4 hours. 4 beautifully glorious care-free hours.

Before bed last night my sunburn had set in.

Deep dark red boiling from my skin.

"But I sunscreened!!!" I wailed as Husband gently applied the cold aloe making every goosebump ache.

"Nobody else got burned even a little!" I whined in between gasps of pain.

"Why?!?!?!"

Here's the thing, it's not fair. It's not fair that 1 layer of sunscreen doesn't do it for me and it did for the rest of my family.

Some of us need more protection than others. And whining and crying and gasping when someone looks like they might give me a hug doesn't change it. Ideally I should learn from this mistake (and the same ones last summer, and the summer before that) that I need plenty of sunscreen. Often. Or I will be burned.

The same way I should learn that although some women seem to be able to hang their happiness on their husband, if my mood is dependent on Husband's progress, goodness or happines, I will be burned. Again and again.

Here's to sunscreen.

Go Bag

Addo Recovery had an assignment about self-soothing. We talked about the senses and the assignment was to create a box of items that are soothing to you that you can use at crunch time.

I struggled with assignment because most of the things that I could think of to be soothing were not bag appropriate.

Like going for a walk, a run or a hike in the mountains.
Doing yoga in my backyard.
Reading stories with my kids in a blanket fort.
Baking.
Reading.
Giggling

You get the idea. Lots of things, not so bagable.

But today I found myself with a little extra time, and once I got started it took no more than 10 minutes to put together what I have named my "Go Bag". I wanted this to be portable.

Like when Husband does something that makes me so crazy the only thing I can think of doing is grabbing my keys and leaving. I typically end up sitting in a restaurant ordering food I don't want just so I can sit in (relative) peace and have someone else take care of me. "Can I get you some more water hun?" Yes. Yes you can. I wanted a bag of stuff I can just throw in the car, so I can find a quiet spot to park, a quick drive up the canyon, or to a park, or even an empty parking lot.

I picked my favorite bag, and made sure I had something for each of my senses. Here it is.

1. A writing pad & pen. Because it's just paper I am letting go of it having a specific purpose. It can be for notes, venting, making plans, writing letters, journaling, or making paper airplanes. Whatever I need it to be. (Internal)
2. Daughters In My Kingdom - This happens to be a book I love. It is filled with stories of strong women who do courageous things. If you don't have a copy and want to read it you can read (or listen to) the whole thing online for free here. Or you can find your local LDS Relief Society leaders and I promise they'll be over the moon if you ask for a copy. (Internal)
3. Photo flip book - For $1 at Walmart I got this little 4x6 book to fill with pictures that make me smile. Vacations, beaches, mountains, babies, friends, laughing, memories. Happy ones. Only happy ones. Genuinely happy ones. (sight)
4. My patriarchal blessing - It gives me hope and guidance and direction and comfort. (For what a patriarchal blessing is go here) (internal)
5. iPod shuffle - It's filled with good music of all kinds. Some power songs. Some damn it all to hell songs. Some happy sunshine songs. Some running hard songs. Some yoga songs. Some spiritual songs. All kinds of songs. In groups with others like them so I can find them. It is now my Go Bag iPod. (hear)
6. Mints - because when I'm weeping and wailing and gnashing my teeth I gotta have a mint to clear my sinuses. Also because I needed something to taste. (taste)
7. Punch ball balloons - First blowing them up requires a lot of deep breaths. Which is always cleansing. Then I get to beat them to death. Or calmly walk around letting it bounce of my knuckles and floating back again. Or anything in between. (kinesthetic)
8. Bubbles - see the note above about breathing. Plus bubbles are pretty. And they make my boys happy, so I don't see why they can't make me happy too. (kinesthetic & touch)
9. Burt Bees Coconut Foot Cream - I really love a good foot cream. And I rarely get to spend as much time as I'd like pampering my feet. Rubbing in the cream until my dry cracked heels have really soaked it all up. This cream is especially.....deep. Penetrating. Whatever. I love it. (touch, smell, kinesthetic) 

So there you have it. 10 minutes, 9 items and I'm Go Bag ready. I just noticed that I didn't put a pocket sized tissue thing in there - but I'll fix that right away. Because no matter what else happens, I'm quite likely to cry.