Confidence in my Core

Self esteem or confidence or worth or value or whatever you want to call it, is something I've never been good at.

Which is strange because I think I'm a reasonably decent person. I have some excellent skills, I am intelligent, I can do things, and I am (often) capable of dealing with stuff that I would never dream I could deal with. I get promotions at work. I feel good about my ability to connect with people.

Sure I have insecurities. My body doesn't look or do what I want it to. I say awkward things. I'm not as gentle or reverent as I'd like to be.... But none of those are debilitating for me. I don't hate me, and I feel when I look at my life that I'm a relatively well balanced person.

But I still have this nagging feeling that I am not enough.

The strange part is that I don't feel like I have to work harder, do more, or be better. I'm fine with the things I'm doing and the skills I have. Even confident in those areas.

But today I was able to identify that feeling.

It is that I am not enough.

Take away all my skills, abilities, knowledge, experience, whatever. All of the things I'm confident about and I'm left with being just me. And that is not enough. The very core of me has no value.

Say I get hit by a bus, or have some horrible debilitating disease and spend all day every day on the couch drooling for the rest of my life while other people take care of me - I really don't know that I would be loveable. And I am confident that I would not be enough. Simply being isn't good enough.

A dear friend said the common words people like me hear all the time "you don't know who you are." but she said them with fire in her eyes and love in her soul. You should see this woman's eyes.

I'd like to blame my overachieving family (when in doubt, blame the root family - that's my motto) who taught me to focus on things we can do. Or show. Or recognize. I learned quickly how to work hard and do good things and even to feel good about my accomplishments.

But I still haven't learned who I am. When all of the rest is taken away. What is left at the very core of me?

Is it the part you throw away?

Source

Or is it that part that grows into something beautiful?

Source

Distraction

"Acknowledge the feeling, then distract with self-soothing."

Dr. Skinner's words replay over and over in my mind as I feel the rage coming on. Before I can even finish the thought it washes over me in waves.

I throw down my gardening gloves and newly-purchased pointy shovel. I stomp in my mud-caked garden shoes as I chase my children down the middle of the street.

My boys (3 & 1) and a neighbor boy about that age are following Husband down the middle of the road as he rides the wiggle car down the hill.

They'd follow him off a cliff - and that's exactly what I'm afraid of and why I'm so triggered by his irresponsible behavior.

We don't live on a high traffic street - but there are certainly plenty of cars coming and going through the neighborhood. There's a bend in the road just above them and an intersection (to a busy road) just below them. Since Husband is nearly a football field ahead of them, if a car came there's nothing he could do. Just pray that the driver sees these tiny kids on tricycles as the sun goes down.

I am pissed. So mad. So so SO mad. What kind of idiot does something so reckless? How am I supposed to trust this man with my children?!?!?!

Distraction. Distraction. Take care of my kids. Get them back on the sidewalk and attempt to explain that Daddy is a jackass and they should never follow him. Anywhere. Ever!!!

Terrified. I am terrified.

Distraction: "Let's go up the hill Bud, I'll show you how to pedal. See how the sidewalk is white and the road is black? When you're little you need to stay on the WHITE sidewalk because big cars can't see you. Do we ride in the road?" It's probably better that he's riding in the road, maybe he'll get hit by a car and ....

I'm mad. And disappointed. How could he? Doesn't he love our children?

Distraction: Weeds. There are so so many weeds.

I start pulling weeds, yanking their ugly roots out and glaring at them as I throw them in the discard pile. I ignore the thorns sticking through my pink trimmed leather gloves and pull and pull and pull.

Husband eventually takes the kids inside to bed leaving me to weed.

I shovel and dig and pull and tear out grass and weeds and trim back the ridiculously overgrown lavender bushes. I prepare the ground to grow something beautiful and wish I had a friend to chat with while we weeded together. A nice pleasant adult conversation that isn't so emotionally intense sounds like just the right distraction right now.

But I am alone. And I can focus on the weeds.What a beautiful distraction.

Stressors

In a long talk with my sister a few nights ago I identified and shared some of the things I'm learning about myself through assessments and writing a bit more. (Stress much anyone?)

We talked about stress levels and she helped me see a lot more of the external factors in that. It's nothing extraordinary, most of what we've been through is stuff most adults have gone through. But it is a significantly stressful time of life for me.

• Husband has been in school full time for the past 7 years doing various degrees and earning certifications. 
• He has been trying to choose a career path. Deciding what to be when we grow up is a big decision. 
• I've been having babies and trying to care for them. Newborns are demanding. Toddlers are too. And I've been told that as they age their problems just get bigger. No end in sight.
• We've both been working. A lot. He has changed jobs twice now since graduating. (always with an overlapping period where he's working 2 full time jobs) and I've trained someone and handed on my business and found a new job.
• Last year we moved. To Utah County. Despite my best efforts to defend this place it triggers me like crazy.
• This year the home that we're renting is being foreclosed because our landlord hasn't paid the mortgage for a couple of years.
• Oh yeah, and there's this little thing about how he is a sex addict. And while I wish that recovering from that took 3-4 nights/week instead I'm spending 7 days/week worrying about it and wondering if I'm doing enough and knowing that he isn't doing enough.This of course brings with it concerns about divorce or separation and 

The Holmes & Rahe Stress Scale gives me enough points have a "very high risk" of becoming ill in the near future. Twice over. (I'm curious - what's your score?)

Bottom line, life is stressful right now. Partly because of our phase of life.  School, change, young kids. And partly because of addiction. But either way, I am legitimately (and understandably) stressed.out.

What I like about Addo

This is a program that is really resonating with me. I'm never sure about these things if it's the timing, my state of readiness or the actual program. So I'm not confident in saying this is the end-all be-all.

But there is a different (and totally new to me) approach which I really love.

The trauma model acknowledges and validates that my symptoms (depression, anxiety, stress) have been exacerbated by a traumatic event in my life. (My Husband consistently acting out in his sexual addiction.) It doesn't not say "fix you because you're broken." It says "this horribly painful thing happened in your life and you could probably use some help dealing with the effects and fallout."

I know, semantics. But it feels different (better) to me and I like it. So I don't really care why.

I have the enormous blessing of living in Utah County where they run this program, so I get to attend the weekly lectures in real life. I get to see my dear friends in real life. I get to stay after and talk until the sun goes down. (Which gets later every week!)

After group a few of us stayed after to chat with a couple of people who do so much behind the scenes work. People who are not Dr. Skinner. Non-Skinners. The thing about Non-Skinners is that they are unbelievably devoted to seeing this work. I watched them listen to us talk. Taking in what we said, and responding. They want to know what works, what does and why. They are passionate about this. And I love them for it.

So if you haven't already contacted Addo and you'd like to learn more about what they're doing and how you can be involved, contact them.

pondering raisins and tasting carrots

Mindfulness has been a common thing in my therapy efforts lately. It keeps popping up.

During the Addo Recovery lecture this week Kevin swore he looks at raisins and stands barefoot on the grass and studies trees. While I fully believed him, I equally believed that it simply isn’t possible in my life.  If I zoned out to fully examine and be present with a raisin…..

That’s where my belief that it wasn’t possible ended.

Because the truth is that if I zone out to stare at a raisin for 3 straight minutes nothing would happen. My kids would likely make a mess. They might make noise. It’s possible they’ll break something. But in real life, if the key to not feeling this way is staring at a raisin for 3 minutes, bring it on. Because anything they can do in 3 minutes, I can undo in 5. Which means I’m out exactly 8 minutes of my day.

And if I replaced just one 25 minute show with raisin-staring or tree-watching or grass-feeling (and repairing the damage my zoning might have allowed) I’m in.

So today I didn’t really have time to sit and eat lunch before running out the door to work. So I threw some carrots and an apple in a bowl and planned to eat on my way.

My commute is roughly 10 minutes long. And 10 minutes is significantly more time than it would ordinarily take me to eat carrots and an apple. So I decided to be present with my meal. I chewed the baby carrots like 9,000 times before swallowing. I tasted the difference between the peel and the meat of the apple. I breathed between bites. And it was delicious.

And while I was being all aware (instead of enthralled with the news story on the radio or the people in cars around me) I watched the trees lining the streets. They are beautifully varying shades of green. Some have blossoms. Some have leaves. Some are still waiting for both. I noticed the clouds in the sky….yadda yadda yadda.

The point is this. I was amazed by how easily I could fit this “mindfulness” into my life. I didn’t have to buy a special chair or find my own room. I didn’t have to wake up an hour earlier or find a babysitter. My children weren’t neglected, I arrived at work safely (and on time). I didn’t do anything I wouldn’t normally do anyway. I simply chose to be mentally aware of what I was doing instead of thinking about all of my problems.

And whattya know – it was a nice break from focusing on my problems.

Getting Used to Disappointment

After Hell Year (2011-2012) I thought I'd never be satisfied with life again.

Ever.

I felt like I was living in a fog. I couldn't understand or see things that were happening. I couldn't see the next step I should take.

But slowly and gradually "things" got better. Not that Husband stopped acting out (he didn't) or that I stopped freaking out at him (I didn't) or that we were suddenly doing everything right (we aren't), but the intense feeling of constant despair started to lift. The questions and the doubts subsided. I started to breath again. And not just during yoga.

Now instead of the intense darkness, I feel like I am more fully seeing things as they are.

I have 2 beautiful boys. Beautiful loving exhausting boys.
I have compassion for people who struggle in all kinds of things because I see that they are just struggling. They are not bad or icky, they are struggling.
I live in a rundown dirty old house which I dearly love. Surrounded by neighbors and friends who I dearly love.
I have more patience and more kind words for my kids when they break things, melt down and disobey (again!).
I see the good in Husband. The qualities that made me love him in The Beginning.

But I also see much that is disappointing. The poor habits we both still have. The inability to behave like the grownups in the family and the lack of patience and compassion for each other.

Tonight there was a parenting blow-up after a lovely walk with some friends along the trail close by. Apparently I said something horrifyingly wrong to Husband. Something like "Hey Bud (3 years old), it's OK if you don't want to walk, I'll carry you. Husband, can you stop the stroller for a sec?" And he (Husband) hated me, shunned, me, slammed doors in my face (and Bud's) and told me I was disrespectful to him as a result.

I haven't been so mad or discusted or disappointed in him in a long time. I truly wanted to leave. I wanted to lock all the doors or run away while he was driving off steam. I couldn't (and can't) stand the thought of being in the same room as him. When he flies off the handle like that it's almost always because he's losing - or about to.

With my new (again) ability to see things I suppose I'm getting used to disappointment (again).

Mysterious Ways

There are a lot of things in my life that simply haven't worked out how I thought (or hoped) they would and all too often I look at my life with disappointment.

But every now and then I get to look at things and be surprised how glad I am that they've happened just as they have.

There are the big ones, infertility, addiction recovery (or lack thereof), family relationships (or lack thereof), blah blah blah which have changed my life in ways I can't even comprehend so I technically have to be grateful for them.

And then there are the little ones which I find easier to appreciate.

Like a child who wakes up in the night needing to snuggle just when I need to be needed and loved.
Or a "random" interaction with someone who reminds me of exactly the truth I needed to remember.

Or my current favorite: a skin thing which has Husband sleeping in another bedroom so he doesn't catch it from me (he can't - it's not contagious and he knows it) or hurt me (he easily could, by breathing or moving or existing withing 10 feet of me).

He's slept elsewhere for days and since I don't wake up to him on top of me and he doesn't wake up feeling aroused right next to me I've enjoyed a few days of peace and quiet.

Don't get me wrong, there are still advances, and truth be told I miss his warm body next to me. But sleeping through the night without being groped? That is something I could definitely get used to.

But who would have thought I'd be glad about this horrible painful disease?